Since January 1st, I've conceived, written and completed:
BOBBY VALENTI, drama suspense-thriller
HEAVEN SENT, family fantasy/comedy
A MONK eppy (two parter, in fact)
Four different rewrites on JOSHUA'S CAR, family in crisis domestic drama
A rewrite on POLO, family friendly shaggy dog comedy
About a half-dozen pages on GINGERBREAD U, a Christmas comedy
Roughly twenty or so pages on THE PRINZE AND THE HOOD, a teen musical comedy
Blogs for Rouge Wave
Columns for MovieBytes
Notes for The Script Department
Sent out queries
In March I was knocked off my feet by the mother of all flu bugs so I kinda feel like a laggard. Ahem.
And it's only April. April!
So when I hear of a screenwriter who's been working on his opus for the past ten years, I wonder...what the fuck is wrong with me?
Friday, April 04, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Works For Me
"A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing
and brought tears to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that
children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child.
Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think
He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and
someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam
and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were
driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though,
because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his
brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off,
except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after
God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat,
smoke, dance, or co vet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one
more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My
teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There
were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about
them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn, t oo, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you
born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and
the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his
hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
in the book of Revolution."
and brought tears to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that
children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child.
Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think
He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and
someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam
and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were
driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though,
because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his
brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off,
except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after
God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat,
smoke, dance, or co vet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one
more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My
teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There
were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about
them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn, t oo, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you
born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and
the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his
hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
in the book of Revolution."
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I Love New York (And Kristen)
God, another day, another scandal.
Actually, I'm sad that our beloved Gov had to resign without revealing all the sordid details of his trysts. The hell with the bank account transfers, we just want to know what he got for $5500 an hour. My God, was her vava made of gold? I mean, come on, one pussy is just as good as the next, non? Talk about blowing your wad!
$80K to bang high class whores? Guess Spitzer couldn't handle the pressure hooker. And it had to be a married, moralizing, crusading Democrat! Maybe he and Larry Craig should form a club for politicos who had to resign in shame and disgrace. Oh, silly me, Craig didn't resign!
No doubt the next stop for Spitz on his "atonement" tour will be a reality show on MTV. Maybe "The Governor Who Couldn't Shoot Straight"?
Actually, I'm sad that our beloved Gov had to resign without revealing all the sordid details of his trysts. The hell with the bank account transfers, we just want to know what he got for $5500 an hour. My God, was her vava made of gold? I mean, come on, one pussy is just as good as the next, non? Talk about blowing your wad!
$80K to bang high class whores? Guess Spitzer couldn't handle the pressure hooker. And it had to be a married, moralizing, crusading Democrat! Maybe he and Larry Craig should form a club for politicos who had to resign in shame and disgrace. Oh, silly me, Craig didn't resign!
No doubt the next stop for Spitz on his "atonement" tour will be a reality show on MTV. Maybe "The Governor Who Couldn't Shoot Straight"?
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Spray The Lysol
Dead...Woman...Walking
Am slowly coming back to life after being felled by the mother of all flu's. I was fine over the weekend, but then my better half started hacking early Sunday morning. By Sunday afternoon he had the shakes and crashed after drinking up most of the Nyquil. I escaped to another bedroom, but not soon enough.
Monday I felt a tad queasy but still okay. Tuesday started off okay and then it went downhill. My fever spiked at 102.6 and I began babbling about my life insurance policy.
Reminder to myself when I have a high fever and am delirious: never watch "Spellbound". In fact, never watch it again.
Now the fever is gone, but this grippe has settled in my chest and I sound like Maude.
In other words....dead...woman...walking.
Am slowly coming back to life after being felled by the mother of all flu's. I was fine over the weekend, but then my better half started hacking early Sunday morning. By Sunday afternoon he had the shakes and crashed after drinking up most of the Nyquil. I escaped to another bedroom, but not soon enough.
Monday I felt a tad queasy but still okay. Tuesday started off okay and then it went downhill. My fever spiked at 102.6 and I began babbling about my life insurance policy.
Reminder to myself when I have a high fever and am delirious: never watch "Spellbound". In fact, never watch it again.
Now the fever is gone, but this grippe has settled in my chest and I sound like Maude.
In other words....dead...woman...walking.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Idle Hands of March
The big snowstorm on Friday was a bust, still haven't heard back from any producers, and I'm still looking for inspiration on a particular project.
On another note, speaking of notes, I'm delighted to say that I'm now affiliated with www.thescriptdepartment.com
So it goes without saying, if you happen to be in the market for professional script anaylsis, check out Julie Gray and the great people at SD. My e-mail addy there is
pj@thescriptdepartment.com
Now I'm gonna put on some bagpipe music, stoke up the fire, and dream.
On another note, speaking of notes, I'm delighted to say that I'm now affiliated with www.thescriptdepartment.com
So it goes without saying, if you happen to be in the market for professional script anaylsis, check out Julie Gray and the great people at SD. My e-mail addy there is
pj@thescriptdepartment.com
Now I'm gonna put on some bagpipe music, stoke up the fire, and dream.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
Fiddle De Dee
My family knows of my undying love for Cape Breton fiddle music. I pretty much have all the Natalie MacMaster albums, and this week I stumbled quite by accident upon a great site called
www.capebretonlive.com
It's got albums and live performances which I found, also by accident, that automatically downloaded onto my computer. Three live shows down, another 45 or so to go. I am in fiddle Heaven.
I have no idea why I love this music so much. I used to play the violin in elementary and high school. I couldn't read a lick of music, I played by ear. I loved it, loved the performances, loved having to dress up. But we played stuff like Beethoven, not earthy, down and dirty melodies that you'd shake your butt to.
When I have my headphones, the family knows to leave me alone. One day I hope to visit Cape Breton and experience it in person, but until then, this will have to do.
www.capebretonlive.com
It's got albums and live performances which I found, also by accident, that automatically downloaded onto my computer. Three live shows down, another 45 or so to go. I am in fiddle Heaven.
I have no idea why I love this music so much. I used to play the violin in elementary and high school. I couldn't read a lick of music, I played by ear. I loved it, loved the performances, loved having to dress up. But we played stuff like Beethoven, not earthy, down and dirty melodies that you'd shake your butt to.
When I have my headphones, the family knows to leave me alone. One day I hope to visit Cape Breton and experience it in person, but until then, this will have to do.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Double Pffttt
Well, that didn't long.
I just found out that the TV show I had written a sample episode for doesn't accept outside script submissions.
Let that be a lesson to you, boys and girls.
Ask first.
Write later.
C'est la vie.
It's like a splinter, it'll hurt for a little while, but it'll go away.
Eventually.
I just found out that the TV show I had written a sample episode for doesn't accept outside script submissions.
Let that be a lesson to you, boys and girls.
Ask first.
Write later.
C'est la vie.
It's like a splinter, it'll hurt for a little while, but it'll go away.
Eventually.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Busier Than A Four Armed Whore
I started out with the best of intentions.
Was working on the contemporary drama, then I got sidetracked---again---by the teen musical comedy, which in turn got sidetracked by the MONK spec---don't ask---which in turn is threatening to be waylaid by other writing things---oh, and I still have the Moviebytes column to pen...
Sometimes it doesn't pay to type or get up in the morning...
Was working on the contemporary drama, then I got sidetracked---again---by the teen musical comedy, which in turn got sidetracked by the MONK spec---don't ask---which in turn is threatening to be waylaid by other writing things---oh, and I still have the Moviebytes column to pen...
Sometimes it doesn't pay to type or get up in the morning...
Saturday, February 16, 2008
I WOULD HAVE THIS MAN'S BABY IN A HEARTBEAT
HARLAN ELLISON ON THE WRITERS STRIKE SETTLEMENT
YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO RE-POST THIS ANYWHERE:
Creds: got here in 1962, written for just about everybody, won the Writers Guild Award four times for solo work, sat on the WGAw Board twice, worked on negotiating committees, and was out on the picket lines with my NICK COUNTER SLEEPS WITH THE FISHE$$$ sign. You may have heard my name. I am a Union guy, I am a Guild guy, I am loyal. I fuckin’ LOVE the Guild.
And I voted NO on accepting this deal.
My reasons are good, and they are plentiful; Patric Verrone will be saddened by what I am about to say; long-time friends will shake their heads; but this I say without equivocation…
THEY BEAT US LIKE A YELLOW DOG. IT IS A SHIT DEAL. We finally got a timorous generation that has never had to strike, to get their asses out there, and we had to put up with the usual cowardly spineless babbling horse’s asses who kept mumbling “lessgo bac’ta work” over and over, as if it would make them one iota a better writer. But after months on the line, and them finally bouncing that pus-sucking dipthong Nick Counter, we rushed headlong into a shabby, scabrous, underfed shovelfulla shit clutched to the affections of toss-in-the-towel summer soldiers trembling before the Awe of the Alliance.
My Guild did what it did in 1988. It trembled and sold us out. It gave away the EXACT co-terminus expiration date with SAG for some bullshit short-line substitute; it got us no more control of our words; it sneak-abandoned the animator and reality beanfield hands before anyone even forced it on them; it made nice so no one would think we were meanies; it let the Alliance play us like the village idiot. The WGAw folded like a Texaco Road Map from back in the day.
And I am ashamed of this Guild, as I was when Shavelson was the prexy, and we wasted our efforts and lost out on technology that we had to strike for THIS time. 17 days of streaming tv!!!????? Geezus, you bleating wimps, why not just turn over your old granny for gang-rape?
You deserve all the opprobrium you get. While this nutty festschrift of demented pleasure at being allowed to go back to work in the rice paddy is filling your cowardly hearts with joy and relief that the grips and the staff at the Ivy and street sweepers won’t be saying nasty shit behind your back, remember this:
You are their bitches. They outslugged you, outthought you, outmaneuvered you; and in the end you ripped off your pants, painted yer asses blue, and said yes sir, may I have another.
Please excuse my temerity. I’m just a sad old man who has fallen among Quislings, Turncoats, Hacks and Cowards.
I must go now to whoops. My gorge has become buoyant.
Respectfully, Yr. Pal, Harlan Ellison
YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO RE-POST THIS ANYWHERE:
Creds: got here in 1962, written for just about everybody, won the Writers Guild Award four times for solo work, sat on the WGAw Board twice, worked on negotiating committees, and was out on the picket lines with my NICK COUNTER SLEEPS WITH THE FISHE$$$ sign. You may have heard my name. I am a Union guy, I am a Guild guy, I am loyal. I fuckin’ LOVE the Guild.
And I voted NO on accepting this deal.
My reasons are good, and they are plentiful; Patric Verrone will be saddened by what I am about to say; long-time friends will shake their heads; but this I say without equivocation…
THEY BEAT US LIKE A YELLOW DOG. IT IS A SHIT DEAL. We finally got a timorous generation that has never had to strike, to get their asses out there, and we had to put up with the usual cowardly spineless babbling horse’s asses who kept mumbling “lessgo bac’ta work” over and over, as if it would make them one iota a better writer. But after months on the line, and them finally bouncing that pus-sucking dipthong Nick Counter, we rushed headlong into a shabby, scabrous, underfed shovelfulla shit clutched to the affections of toss-in-the-towel summer soldiers trembling before the Awe of the Alliance.
My Guild did what it did in 1988. It trembled and sold us out. It gave away the EXACT co-terminus expiration date with SAG for some bullshit short-line substitute; it got us no more control of our words; it sneak-abandoned the animator and reality beanfield hands before anyone even forced it on them; it made nice so no one would think we were meanies; it let the Alliance play us like the village idiot. The WGAw folded like a Texaco Road Map from back in the day.
And I am ashamed of this Guild, as I was when Shavelson was the prexy, and we wasted our efforts and lost out on technology that we had to strike for THIS time. 17 days of streaming tv!!!????? Geezus, you bleating wimps, why not just turn over your old granny for gang-rape?
You deserve all the opprobrium you get. While this nutty festschrift of demented pleasure at being allowed to go back to work in the rice paddy is filling your cowardly hearts with joy and relief that the grips and the staff at the Ivy and street sweepers won’t be saying nasty shit behind your back, remember this:
You are their bitches. They outslugged you, outthought you, outmaneuvered you; and in the end you ripped off your pants, painted yer asses blue, and said yes sir, may I have another.
Please excuse my temerity. I’m just a sad old man who has fallen among Quislings, Turncoats, Hacks and Cowards.
I must go now to whoops. My gorge has become buoyant.
Respectfully, Yr. Pal, Harlan Ellison
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Toute Sweet
I just got a nice pass from a producer on my new spec. He said that while it was "very sweet", it just wasn't for them and wished me all the best of luck.
I know what you're thinking. A kind brush off, maybe even a backhanded not so nice brush off.
Very sweet.
Nudge, nudge. Look at her. She's sweet, poor thing.
My cat Kisses is very sweet...until she coughs up a hair ball.
Cotton candy is very sweet...until you eat too much of it.
Falling snow is very sweet...but's a hellish mess to drive in.
You get the picture.
Problem is, I am sweet. I can't help it.
I write sweet too. Can't help that either.
I have never done anything bad in my life. Never took drugs (took pot once, doesn't count).
Never drank to excess. Or much at all.
Haven't whored around. Haven't whored, period.
Never went around without any underwear. Okay, once, in kindergarten.
I have no dark, deep secrets.
Okay, so not only am I sweet, but I'm dull, dull, dull.
But is that such a bad thing?
Not the dull part. The sweet part.
I can be dirty. Really. I burp. I break wind. Doesn't everyone?
So I'm very sweet. Kill me. Put me out of my misery
But let me cut one first.
And yes, I know the strike is over. So why do I feel so bad?
I know what you're thinking. A kind brush off, maybe even a backhanded not so nice brush off.
Very sweet.
Nudge, nudge. Look at her. She's sweet, poor thing.
My cat Kisses is very sweet...until she coughs up a hair ball.
Cotton candy is very sweet...until you eat too much of it.
Falling snow is very sweet...but's a hellish mess to drive in.
You get the picture.
Problem is, I am sweet. I can't help it.
I write sweet too. Can't help that either.
I have never done anything bad in my life. Never took drugs (took pot once, doesn't count).
Never drank to excess. Or much at all.
Haven't whored around. Haven't whored, period.
Never went around without any underwear. Okay, once, in kindergarten.
I have no dark, deep secrets.
Okay, so not only am I sweet, but I'm dull, dull, dull.
But is that such a bad thing?
Not the dull part. The sweet part.
I can be dirty. Really. I burp. I break wind. Doesn't everyone?
So I'm very sweet. Kill me. Put me out of my misery
But let me cut one first.
And yes, I know the strike is over. So why do I feel so bad?
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
TOP TEN THINGS I WANT TO SEE IN 2008
I want Bill Clinton back in the White House. The idea of him being "The First Husband" is simply too delicious to contemplate.
I want to lose 80lbs without really trying. All right, maybe 50. Less is more. Without trying. NO MORE COOKIES!!!
I'd like to see Britney get treated by House. He'd have her cured in 45 minutes or less, give a commercial break or two.
I would love it if Dave Letterman dropped his unfunny routines about the weather in New York. Enough, Dave! We know it's cold!
I want the WGA to get the fair deal they deserve. No, not just a fair deal---a great deal.
I want more of Ted Levine on MONK. The OCD Guy is getting on my last nerve (as I run to wash my hands for the 68576 time today).
I want world peace, a cure for the common cold, and gas under a dollar. Oil too.
I want a bank error in my favor. A big bank error. Win Mega Millions?
I want another baby.
I want a script to sell. Lots of scripts. All my scripts. Okay, I'd settle for just one.
I'd like one of my kids to have a baby. Any baby. Kidnap a baby. Buy a baby doll?
I want a pair of French Bulldogs. Max and Maxine. And they can have babies.
And just once, I'd like those silly horoscope readings to come true.
I want to lose 80lbs without really trying. All right, maybe 50. Less is more. Without trying. NO MORE COOKIES!!!
I'd like to see Britney get treated by House. He'd have her cured in 45 minutes or less, give a commercial break or two.
I would love it if Dave Letterman dropped his unfunny routines about the weather in New York. Enough, Dave! We know it's cold!
I want the WGA to get the fair deal they deserve. No, not just a fair deal---a great deal.
I want more of Ted Levine on MONK. The OCD Guy is getting on my last nerve (as I run to wash my hands for the 68576 time today).
I want world peace, a cure for the common cold, and gas under a dollar. Oil too.
I want a bank error in my favor. A big bank error. Win Mega Millions?
I want another baby.
I want a script to sell. Lots of scripts. All my scripts. Okay, I'd settle for just one.
I'd like one of my kids to have a baby. Any baby. Kidnap a baby. Buy a baby doll?
I want a pair of French Bulldogs. Max and Maxine. And they can have babies.
And just once, I'd like those silly horoscope readings to come true.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
No Place Like Home
So while I wait for feedback on my crazy little script that tore through me like a tornado, I return to my contemporary drama of a family in crisis, a real downer. I know I have to tackle it sooner or later, so it might as well be...tomorrow.
Now don't get me wrong. I love the story. I love the characters. It's personal. Maybe too personal. I've been carrying it around in my head for years: bad things happen to good people. And since I love these people, doing bad things to them is hard. I tell myself it's not a comedy, it's drama. Ya can't have a drama without...the drama. The tears. The implosions. The "fuck you" moment when it all goes to hell.
The only thing that keeps me going on it is that it has a happy ending. Somewhat. Really.
Heath Ledger RIP
Ten Things We Love About You
Great Daddy
Cool Actor
And my Stephanie was crushing on you
Sleep with the Angels
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?
Boy, have we got off to a banging New Year!
Eddie Murphy got "spiritually married", now after two weeks, stick a fork in it. that's one way to save on lawyer fees.
Jamie Lynn is knocked up at sixteen and depending on which rag you read, she's on the verge of a miscarriage, on the way to the hospital, is unsure as to who the Baby Daddy is, or is being dumped by the Baby Daddy who already supposedly got another girl pregnant...and with a war going on, the economy in the tank, this inspires a national debate on birth control...NOT!
Big sis sis Brit Brit (ie Unfitney) outdoes lil sis sis by throwing a temper tantrum, getting locked up in the mental ward, only to wind up in Mexico with her married photographer BF and then refuse to appear at the courthouse to fight for custody of her babies yet has all the time in the world to stop in at gas stations, retail stores and pharmacies for photo opps in ragged fishnet stockings and no underwear.
Meanwhile, Lindsey traipses off to Italy to receive a dubious "career
achievement award" but the only achievement she apppears to have done while abroad was to fall off the wagon and hop, skimp and jump from one bed to another (with all the salacious details peddled by these nefarious Lotharios) to the tabloids for a lucrative lira.
Paris, after assuring the world she was going to live on a higher plane since her stint in the hokey, makes endless appearances in clubs where she told one lucky audience that she'd like to "fuck" them all. Makes you long for the days when celebs would do their jail time quietly and without fanfare--like Kiefer Sutherland is doing right now.
And Long Island natives Joey B and Amy F release competing sex tapes but swear they're not making any money off them. The only thing better would be a sex tape of Joey B and Amy F doing the nasty. Since when did getting yourself caught in the act suddenly become so profitable and respectable? I want my own sex tape!
And it's only January???
Eddie Murphy got "spiritually married", now after two weeks, stick a fork in it. that's one way to save on lawyer fees.
Jamie Lynn is knocked up at sixteen and depending on which rag you read, she's on the verge of a miscarriage, on the way to the hospital, is unsure as to who the Baby Daddy is, or is being dumped by the Baby Daddy who already supposedly got another girl pregnant...and with a war going on, the economy in the tank, this inspires a national debate on birth control...NOT!
Big sis sis Brit Brit (ie Unfitney) outdoes lil sis sis by throwing a temper tantrum, getting locked up in the mental ward, only to wind up in Mexico with her married photographer BF and then refuse to appear at the courthouse to fight for custody of her babies yet has all the time in the world to stop in at gas stations, retail stores and pharmacies for photo opps in ragged fishnet stockings and no underwear.
Meanwhile, Lindsey traipses off to Italy to receive a dubious "career
achievement award" but the only achievement she apppears to have done while abroad was to fall off the wagon and hop, skimp and jump from one bed to another (with all the salacious details peddled by these nefarious Lotharios) to the tabloids for a lucrative lira.
Paris, after assuring the world she was going to live on a higher plane since her stint in the hokey, makes endless appearances in clubs where she told one lucky audience that she'd like to "fuck" them all. Makes you long for the days when celebs would do their jail time quietly and without fanfare--like Kiefer Sutherland is doing right now.
And Long Island natives Joey B and Amy F release competing sex tapes but swear they're not making any money off them. The only thing better would be a sex tape of Joey B and Amy F doing the nasty. Since when did getting yourself caught in the act suddenly become so profitable and respectable? I want my own sex tape!
And it's only January???
Thursday, January 10, 2008
HEAVEN SENT
All Shelley wanted for her thirteenth birthday was to get her belly button pierced. Instead, she got wings. If there is a God, He is alive and well in Heaven, Vermont. Sometimes, a girl has to fly.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
THE TALE OF THE FREE LOVESEAT OR HOW I GOT RIPPED OFF, MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS
On the first day Christmas, I got ripped off by Levitz Furniture.
Let me explain. Back in September, I bought a new sofa and love seat combo. After searching high and low, I found an incredible deal at the aforementioned furniture store. Buy the sofa get the love seat free!!! I also paid for a ten year warranty covering the fabric (with three cats,I figured, what the hey). At that rate, the warranty would probably outlive the stupid furniture. I even made it simple for the store. I paid cash.
Ha! I'm such a good customer.
However, Daughter #2 (more to the point, Big Tim Bronco, her fiance) warned me against it. Vehemently. He had his own miserable experience with Levitz. But did I listen?
The sofa was delivered, no problems. Due to the sale, so I was told, the love seat was on back order, but I'd get it around Thanksgiving. Uhm, okay.
Shortly thereafter, it was announced in the local paper that Levitz was filing Chapter 11. I was concerned, but not so much. After all, I had paid for my stuff and I had a delivery date. I mean, they wouldn't stiff people who had already paid, right?
Ahem.
When I called to confirm the delivery date, I was suddenly told that due to a "production problem" in the warehouse, the love seat would now be delivered on December 6th. The friendly and helpful customer service rep assured me that I would get my love seat on that day, and also insisted that their filing Chapter 11 had no bearing on my order.
Like a fool, I kept the faith, even after I learned that not only was Levitz filing Chapter 11, they were also shutting their doors forever due to the trickle down effects of the sub prime mortgage mess. If people can't afford their homes, they sure as hell aren't buying new furniture.
Of course you know what happened. I spend all day waiting for my love seat that never arrives (and a delivery that Levitz, in their infinite wisdom, called to confirm the week before).
Royally pissed, I call the 800 number. The helpful and friendly rep is now replaced by a recording.
In desperation, I call the store where I bought the stuff. The staff is about as friendly as a rabid pit bull. When I complain to the store manager, the asshole blows me off by whining that everyone is in a lousy mood because they are all losing their jobs and infers that the day I get my love seat will be a cold day in Tahiti.
Adding insult to my injury, the very next day Levitz runs a full page ad in the local rag touting their tremendous "Going Out Of Business Sale" ! I fume at the absurdity. I can't get my free fucking love seat but they are still trolling for customers.
After days of dialing, I finally get ahold of a real live person in customer disservice, fat lot of good that did me. Now the story is that they are still getting merchandise, but they don't know if they will be able to fill my order and won't know for a couple of days, maybe.
But they are not able to fulfill my order because they are in Chapter 11.
Oh no. They can't fill my order because they are going out of business.
So I ask the harried and downtrodden customer disservice rep what is my recourse if they can't deliver my free love seat for which I have already paid for in cash (including delivery and that goddamn worthless warranty) she says to me, no kidding....
That I have to file a claim in Bankruptcy Court along with all the other creditors (i.e. suckers).
On the second day of Christmas I lost my mind.
Let me explain. Back in September, I bought a new sofa and love seat combo. After searching high and low, I found an incredible deal at the aforementioned furniture store. Buy the sofa get the love seat free!!! I also paid for a ten year warranty covering the fabric (with three cats,I figured, what the hey). At that rate, the warranty would probably outlive the stupid furniture. I even made it simple for the store. I paid cash.
Ha! I'm such a good customer.
However, Daughter #2 (more to the point, Big Tim Bronco, her fiance) warned me against it. Vehemently. He had his own miserable experience with Levitz. But did I listen?
The sofa was delivered, no problems. Due to the sale, so I was told, the love seat was on back order, but I'd get it around Thanksgiving. Uhm, okay.
Shortly thereafter, it was announced in the local paper that Levitz was filing Chapter 11. I was concerned, but not so much. After all, I had paid for my stuff and I had a delivery date. I mean, they wouldn't stiff people who had already paid, right?
Ahem.
When I called to confirm the delivery date, I was suddenly told that due to a "production problem" in the warehouse, the love seat would now be delivered on December 6th. The friendly and helpful customer service rep assured me that I would get my love seat on that day, and also insisted that their filing Chapter 11 had no bearing on my order.
Like a fool, I kept the faith, even after I learned that not only was Levitz filing Chapter 11, they were also shutting their doors forever due to the trickle down effects of the sub prime mortgage mess. If people can't afford their homes, they sure as hell aren't buying new furniture.
Of course you know what happened. I spend all day waiting for my love seat that never arrives (and a delivery that Levitz, in their infinite wisdom, called to confirm the week before).
Royally pissed, I call the 800 number. The helpful and friendly rep is now replaced by a recording.
In desperation, I call the store where I bought the stuff. The staff is about as friendly as a rabid pit bull. When I complain to the store manager, the asshole blows me off by whining that everyone is in a lousy mood because they are all losing their jobs and infers that the day I get my love seat will be a cold day in Tahiti.
Adding insult to my injury, the very next day Levitz runs a full page ad in the local rag touting their tremendous "Going Out Of Business Sale" ! I fume at the absurdity. I can't get my free fucking love seat but they are still trolling for customers.
After days of dialing, I finally get ahold of a real live person in customer disservice, fat lot of good that did me. Now the story is that they are still getting merchandise, but they don't know if they will be able to fill my order and won't know for a couple of days, maybe.
But they are not able to fulfill my order because they are in Chapter 11.
Oh no. They can't fill my order because they are going out of business.
So I ask the harried and downtrodden customer disservice rep what is my recourse if they can't deliver my free love seat for which I have already paid for in cash (including delivery and that goddamn worthless warranty) she says to me, no kidding....
That I have to file a claim in Bankruptcy Court along with all the other creditors (i.e. suckers).
On the second day of Christmas I lost my mind.
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