THE TALE OF THE FREE LOVESEAT OR HOW I GOT RIPPED OFF, MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS

On the first day Christmas, I got ripped off by Levitz Furniture.

Let me explain. Back in September, I bought a new sofa and love seat combo. After searching high and low, I found an incredible deal at the aforementioned furniture store. Buy the sofa get the love seat free!!! I also paid for a ten year warranty covering the fabric (with three cats,I figured, what the hey). At that rate, the warranty would probably outlive the stupid furniture. I even made it simple for the store. I paid cash.

Ha! I'm such a good customer.

However, Daughter #2 (more to the point, Big Tim Bronco, her fiance) warned me against it. Vehemently. He had his own miserable experience with Levitz. But did I listen?

The sofa was delivered, no problems. Due to the sale, so I was told, the love seat was on back order, but I'd get it around Thanksgiving. Uhm, okay.

Shortly thereafter, it was announced in the local paper that Levitz was filing Chapter 11. I was concerned, but not so much. After all, I had paid for my stuff and I had a delivery date. I mean, they wouldn't stiff people who had already paid, right?

Ahem.

When I called to confirm the delivery date, I was suddenly told that due to a "production problem" in the warehouse, the love seat would now be delivered on December 6th. The friendly and helpful customer service rep assured me that I would get my love seat on that day, and also insisted that their filing Chapter 11 had no bearing on my order.

Like a fool, I kept the faith, even after I learned that not only was Levitz filing Chapter 11, they were also shutting their doors forever due to the trickle down effects of the sub prime mortgage mess. If people can't afford their homes, they sure as hell aren't buying new furniture.

Of course you know what happened. I spend all day waiting for my love seat that never arrives (and a delivery that Levitz, in their infinite wisdom, called to confirm the week before).

Royally pissed, I call the 800 number. The helpful and friendly rep is now replaced by a recording.

In desperation, I call the store where I bought the stuff. The staff is about as friendly as a rabid pit bull. When I complain to the store manager, the asshole blows me off by whining that everyone is in a lousy mood because they are all losing their jobs and infers that the day I get my love seat will be a cold day in Tahiti.

Adding insult to my injury, the very next day Levitz runs a full page ad in the local rag touting their tremendous "Going Out Of Business Sale" ! I fume at the absurdity. I can't get my free fucking love seat but they are still trolling for customers.

After days of dialing, I finally get ahold of a real live person in customer disservice, fat lot of good that did me. Now the story is that they are still getting merchandise, but they don't know if they will be able to fill my order and won't know for a couple of days, maybe.

But they are not able to fulfill my order because they are in Chapter 11.

Oh no. They can't fill my order because they are going out of business.

So I ask the harried and downtrodden customer disservice rep what is my recourse if they can't deliver my free love seat for which I have already paid for in cash (including delivery and that goddamn worthless warranty) she says to me, no kidding....

That I have to file a claim in Bankruptcy Court along with all the other creditors (i.e. suckers).

On the second day of Christmas I lost my mind.

CATASTROPHE

So the Psycho Cat sauntered up me after she finished sipping her milk and wanted to know what was up with the WGA strike. (Although we are not WGA members, it is due to the WGA that I get measly but very appreciated foreign residual checks for MY HORRIBLE YEAR).

Psycho Cat: So how can I become a scat? I can write as good as any monkey. And I'm here in the good ole US of A. Then movie moguls don't have to go to England to get mongrel scats.

Me: What the hell did Granny put in your milk?

Psycho Cat: You know what I'm talking about, you asshole. Scats!

Me: Oh....you mean scabs. Trust me, you don't want to be a scab.

Psycho Cat: Why not?

Me: Because you can never join the WGA and get health benefits and all the other

nice perks if you do. Besides, it's not nice.

Psycho Cat: What do I care about health benefits? You took me to a cheap vet when I had worms. And who said I was nice? I'm the psycho cat. All I'm asking for is a chance. I can write better crap than CAVEMEN.

Me: So can I.

Psycho Cat: But you're not a cat. Hey, How about a remake of MICE AND MEN?

Change the men to cats, get Angelina and Clooney...I smell bling!

Me: I smell kitty litter.

SOLIDARITY

I'm not in the WGA, but I support the strike. I'd sooner cut off my right arm than be a scab.


www.theartfulwriter.com
www.unitedhollywood.com

Yeah I Know

Time slips away when you're having fun.

It's been a long, strange summer. Just starting to catch my breath and assimilate, meditate, hesitate and procrastinate.

Hopefully things will settle down soon and I can get back to doing what I love best.

Until then...Go, Red Sox, Go!

Independence Day

What, no aliens?

Alive and chugging away like the little engine that could. And waiting and writing and waiting and writing, not necessarily in that order.

Memorial Day

Cloudy. Blech. But tomorrow is supposed to be gorgeous.

I am very confused as to this new Blogger-Google thingie. It appears that I have two separate accounts, and I can never remember the e-mail/passwords to either of them. They couldn't have left well enough alone.

Otherwise, I've had a full plate this month: still working on my father's estate, Heather's graduation, Adrienne's strep throat, Stephanie's home for the summer, trusty little Neon finally died after years of loving abuse and was carted off to the junk yard, various other hassles and oh---still managed to work, write, work, write, sleep, bake, in no particular order.

Not a bad month. Now I just need to shake some more trees in June and hopefully resolve some long standing issues.

I Be A Bad Girl

I know, I know. Times flies and all that crapola.

I've been busy. Really. Writing, life, all that good stuff.

Otherwise, I'm still here, plugging away. Keeping up appearances.

Larry finally has the baby. I'm delighted.

Paris is going to jail. I'm devastated. No more TMZ updates?

Still not watching AMERICAN IDOL.

Waiting for HELL'S KITCHEN.

Hated TOP DESIGN.

Wondering why they didn't get Farrah for SHEAR GENIUS. What, she was too expensive?

No more BLOW OUT?

When is PROJECT RUNWAY coming back?

Fuck JERICHO.

Media Overload

I'm loathe to admit it, but yes, Anna Nicole got to me. How could it not? It had everything and then some: sex, money, mystery, drugs, and unending court battles. I haven't seen Greta have so much fun since the Natalie Holloway days.

Larry King (looking very cadaverous) played host to a vast array of characters and charlatans, but by the time of Anna's delayed burial, even Larry looked tired of the whole sordid affair.

Where was Maury when you needed him? He would've settled the paternity circus in one half hour show.

Now I am in Anna Nicole withdrawal, at least until the next court date.

We have a war going on and all the media can do is fall over itself to cover the funeral of a drug addicted, C-celebrity (and this doesn't even take into account Britney's woes).

Clearly, I've made a mess of my life. I never abused my kids. Hell, they even profess to like me. I'm not high on crack. One Bud Light puts me under the table. I'm still married to my first and only husband. Worse still, we sleep together.

I've never done anything in my life, not one single thing, that could even be remotely considered scandalous.

I'm a complete, abject failure.

Oscar Post Mortem

Boring and bloated. There, I said in three words what took almost four hours. I hate to admit it, but I was praying that the telecast would've been interrupted by something fantastic like Anna Nicole rising from the dead, just to break the monotony.

Ellen was "too" nice. Yeah, she had two nice bits with Marty and Clint, but otherwise, she was as bland as tapioca pudding.

What the fuck is up with Jack Nicholson? Is he auditioning for the title role of a biopic on Marlon Brando? He was almost unrecognizable, save for the sunglasses.

Jennifer Hudson's stylist (or whoever made her wear that silly metallic bolero) should be boiled in oil.

Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep didn't take their Prada roles to heart, apparently. Meryl, it's okay to be size 14, however, you don't have to dress as if you were size 16.

How on earth did Cameron Diaz go to the bathroom in that gown? Maybe she didn't. Maybe she got her hands on some of those astronaut nappies.

Will somebody please take a microphone away from Ryan Seacrest? The only good thing was that Billy Bush was nowhere in sight.

Now onto the good stuff...

As for the awards itself, I'm of two minds. It was great and well deserved that Marty got his Oscar, but one gets the feeling that this year, he could have been nominated for directing traffic and he still would've gotten it. Plus, he was nominated for a film that was an adaptation of a Japanese film...does that carry the same weight as an original like RAGING BULL or GANGS OF NEW YORK? I'm not sure. And wasn't it a huge tip off on who was going to win with Spielberg, Lucas and Coppola presenting the award?

Hindsight has shown that often, the Academy bestows the little golden man for reasons other than who was the "best" that year. How else to explain AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY DAYS and THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH winning for Best Picture? Hell, Elizabeth Taylor admitted that her Oscar for BUTTERFIELD 8 was undeserved. She hated the role and did everything she could to get out of it, reportedly. But during the Oscar balloting she was gravely ill with pneumonia and nearly died.

I predicted pretty much all the major winners. Just before they announced Best Supporting Actor, I told my hubby that it was Eddie Murphy's to lose, and sure enough, he did. What a kick in the teeth. In retrospective, following his plum role in DREAM GIRLS with NORBIT now seems like a really dumb move.

As for Helen Mirren and Forest Whittaker, they basically won for impersonation. Whittaker seems to have mainly won for being a truly nice guy who turned into a beast on camera. Not taking anything from Whittaker, a marvelous actor, but you should see my husband when he discovers that raccoons have gotten into the trash or when somebody cuts him off in the Stop & Shop parking lot.

What was up with nominating BORAT for Best Adapted Screenplay? Was that some kind of inside joke?

Yay for President Al Gore!

Really, they should hand out all the special effect awards on a separate night. Just give the people what they want: the red carpet and Brad Pitt.

Soap Opera Overload

Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears. A match made in Celebrity Heaven. A paparazzi dream come true.

Anna Nicole was a train wreck in progress. While her death was shocking, given her age, it wasn't surprising, given her lifestyle. She wanted to be famous, well, she's more famous now in death than she was in life, the legal saga goes on, and we still don't know who fathered little Dannilynn. Is it Howard? Larry? The Prince? Elvis?

What was this cab driver turned Florida jurist auditioning for, his own half-hour sitcom on Spike TV? I thought it was a court proceeding, not a group therapy hug.

Then you have Britney's excruciatingly public breakdown. At first glance, this seemed to come out of blue, but there were signs all along. Her breakup with Justin, the sudden hookup with Kevin, getting pregnant back to back, then the failed marriage, those sans underwear photos, the constant partying with her new BFF. With two babies under two years of age, where does she get the energy? Maybe I shouldn't ask.

Beyonce vs. Jennifer H.

Am I the only one in the western world who thinks that Beyonce agreeing to appear as the cover model of this year's Sports Illustrated "swimsuit" issue is nothing more than a bitchslap to Jennifer Hudson?

Reality check: Beyonce is a star. Jennifer H was dumped from American Idol too soon. Beyonce is thin. Jennifer H is curvaceous and well-endowed.

DREAMGIRLS was supposed to be Beyonce's movie, but it's not, thanks to Jennifer stealing it from under her nose (what's next, Jay Z?).

Jennifer is getting all the accolades and the awards that by all rights should have gone to Beyonce. It's understandable that Beyonce might be jealous and resentful. Still, can't Beyonce's advisors think of a better way for their charge to upstage Jennifer than exposing Beyonce's Golden Globes?

Girlfriends, c'mon, why can't we all get along? Retract those claws. Meow! Meow!

I'M BAAACKKKKK!!!!!!

C'mon, you didn't think you'd get rid of me that easily?

After a couple of tumultuous months, I've regrouped, taken a deep breath, loaded up on high potency vitamins, flushed my meds down the toilet and decided that if not now, then when?

A new year brings new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams and desires. 2006 was an awful year and I'm more than ready to kick it to the dustbin of history. I figure, 2007 can't be any worse (well, yes, it can, but I'm going to remain optimistic). I feel like I've jumped out of an airplane without a parachute. It's exhilarating yet scary at the same time.

Okay, so I'm never going to win an Oscar. I'll never meet George Lucas. And maybe, just maybe, I'm a third rate writer who had her chance and blew it.

Then again...maybe not. Karma, if I ever needed you, it's now.

PROJECT WRONGWAY

That's it. I've had it. I invested three years into this show. No more, not after last night's nonsensical finale.

I was under the impression that the purpose of this show was to find the "next great fashion designer"...not an already is who has celebrity clients like Gwen Stefani and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Look, Jeffrey may be a great guy, a nice father, a former drug user, and he's good (I can't forget the milkmaid outfit) at what he does: punk star/rock and roll chic. But this is not new. It's not even fashion forward. It's fashion rewind---to the 1980's.

Note to Michael Kors: having a tat on your neck does not make you the next Martha Stewart.

There wasn't one outfit in Jeffrey's collection that I could wear. There wasn't one outfit in his collection that I would want to wear. And that long dress was hideous.

I'm also sick and tired of being manipulated by BRAVO with their judicious editit. Based on the judges comments, I thought for sure Laura and Ulie would be the final two.

Does Nina think she's oh so smart with her snarky remarks?

Granted, the show is a hit, but when it comes to launching a fashion career and/or a brand name, the show is a dud. Jay had health problems. Chloe seems to be quite content to remain in Texas. And now we have Jeffrey...I hear crickets chirping. Can anyone see him as the head of a fashion house?

I don't think so.

I hope Laura and Ulie go on to faboo careers and blow Jeffrey out of the water.

Heidi, you're out!!!!

Screenwriting Rules

Sorry that I've been so remiss in blogging. I've had my hands full since August: sending daughter off to college, life, various catastrophes, and juggling several projects. I feel like I'm coming up for air (or I'm a Phoenix rising from the ashes). Take your pick.

I'm still doing the monthly column at www.moviebytes.com, and I just sent them my newest one, "Witless". My husband says its the best one I've done yet, but what does he know.

On another note, I'd like to digress and ruminate a bit on the "screenwriting rules". You know, all the things you're not supposed to do---but I've seen done on sold, produced scripts.

For example, you're not supposed to write "unfilmmable bits". Well, in MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING, Ron Bass gets away with those cutting and witty asides that can't be filmed. (Yeah, but he's Ron Bass).

I've been told that you shouldn't have action paragraphs more than three lines. However, on the draft I read of WHAT LIES BENEATH, the action paragraphs are much longer.

So what does this all mean, in the end?

Nothing.

Rules are meant to be broken. And who thought up these crazy rules in the first place?

Do whatever you have to do to tell your story your way.

Now I'm not talking about weird formatting and the like, because there is a standard format (and with good reason). Typos and grammatical errors will just peg you for an amateur who doesn't know how to edit.

If you have a great idea with great writing, no one will notice or care if you broke or rewrote the rules.

Ask Ron Bass.

Support a Fellow Artist

My good buddy Liz, a director/writer, has a website up devoted to her new movie

www.furythemovie.com

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN LYNCHED (great tagline).

To help her out in costs, Liz is asking for donations (starting at $15) in exchange for a screen credit. I dedicated mine to my beloved brother Mike.

So...not only are you helping out a fellow artist, but it makes you feel all warm and squishy inside. And the movie looks pretty good, too!

www.furythemovie.com

Post Joe-Momentum Thoughts

Yeah, yeah, Keith was booted off PROJECT RUNWAY last week for having illegal "pattern books". Doesn't matter that he never used them, and I'm frankly surprised at the number of people at the Runway board who think such shenanigans are okay. However, I still haven't picked a favorite yet, since Malan (sniff, sniff) was thrown overboard.

Let me digress a bit and get on my political soapbox. I've been following the Lamont-Lieberman primary battle through DailyKos, Talking Points Memo and other blogs. Now, on the morning after, we're getting the crazy MSM spin that Lamont's unexpected win bodes ill for Democrats in the fall.

HUH? I mean, what weed are they chewing?

Let's get this straight.

For many reasons too numerous to list, Lieberman (at least since 2004) has been a faux Democrat. And now Democrats are being taken to task for voting him out?

Democrats are supposed to OPPOSE the Republicans, not suck up to them and support them in ill advised ventures.

Democrats in the Nutmeg State perceived that Lieberman was a Republican in sheep's clothing. He was booted out. Democracy at its finest, blah blah blah.

But wait...instead of bowing out gracefully and supporting Lamont in the name of party unity, Lieberman is blathering about running as an "independent Democrat". And Republicans are cheering him on (no big shock there).

It's the Repubs who have sucked up to Bush that should be quaking in their boots, not the other way around. If Bush was the "kiss of death" to Lieberman, what does that foretell for his Republican counterparts? They should, thank you David Crosby, be "scared shitless".

Don't let the MSM spin fool you.

And at the end of the day, I don't think Lieberman will run as an independent Democrat. He might switch parties and run as a Republican...

Where's Heidi Klum when you need her?

Musings on a Saturday Afternoon After a Heat Storm

All this week we've had record breaking temps, not that today is that much cooler. Still in the low 90's, but tomorrow is supposed to be better, in the 80's and less humid.

I want to congratulate my pal Scott the Reader for advancing in Nicholls. Good going, Scott!

A big shout out as well to Mary B, who while not advancing, got the coveted
"10%" comment from Greg Beal. Let me tell you, the one and only year I entered Nicholls, as it turned out, I was very happy to get that Beal comment. It kept my hopes and dreams alive a long time.

A huge hooray to Lynne and Robin, for making it through the summer with their brains intact (relatively speaking) after reading for Nicholls and Final Draft Big Break. I can understand them being burnt out after reading 400 plus scripts.

Which leads me to a discussion we had last night at our weekly screenwriting chat. (If you'd like an invite, e-mail orbie@aol.com).

To make a long story short, I related about how I had tried to help another screenwriter with a logline she posted at one of the writing sites. I thought it was a great concept. Still do.

The problem was, as I saw it, was that her concept promised something that her story (or how she chose to write it) failed to deliver.

Let me give you an example. I once pitched BORN AGAIN, a comedy about two haplass angels who screw up taking a woman's soul to Heaven, to a writer/producer. Now in his mind, my logline conjured up images of a zany comedy about the woman's soul bouncing from one body to another.

Now that's not bad, really.

But it wasn't my script. Far from it. Pffft.

My point is...when you pitch a script, you might envision it is a comedy, but to someone else, it might be a drama. Make sure the logline and the story/genre fits.

If it's a comedy, then make it a belly buster.

If it's a drama, have them reaching for a box of tissues.

THE BIG IDEA

I hope you'll check out my monthly column at MovieBytes. I'm having a lot of fun with it.

Otherwise, writing wise, it's been a good month. I came up with my own big idea and basically have been mulling it over until I actually sit down and begin writing it. I see the characters, hear their voices, and scenes are unfolding in my head. I asked some pro reader pals if they've ever read a script with a similar concept, and so far the answer has been no. Now that doesn't mean that someone, somewhere isn't writing it...but I can't worry about that.

It's also the summer of Reality TV. Love HELL'S KITCHEN, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE and PROJECT RUNWAY. ROCK STAR SUPERNOVA leaves me cold.

Updates

Sorry I've been so remiss in positing, but I've been super busy with the family, rewrites, the usual nonsense.

I understand A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS is going to have an "official" premiere at a film festival here on Long Island, the point of which I am not too sure...I have been told that it's to get "audience feedback" but have also been advised that from the feedback they've already received, it looks like it's going straight to TV or cable (I could have told them that months ago). Unlike MY HORRIBLE YEAR, I have no emotional or sentimental attachment to this one, as I greatly suspect the finished product will bear little resemblance to my original draft. C'est la vie.

Right now, instead of diving into a new project, I'm going back and taking a second whack at other scripts which are finished (but need more work) and/or ones that I left at various stages. Capricorns are not supposed to start new projects until after July 28, so I am trying very very hard to heed, though it is difficult, as I dream up new ideas all the time.

But it's great to go back to a script that I worked on months before and realize that hey, it wasn't a pile of crapola after all!!


UPDATE: The premiere came and went. I was told the movie was choppy and rushed, and they are now planning to sell to cable. No big surprise there.

CLASS OF 2006

CONGRATUALTIONS STEPHANIE CHARLOTTE MCILVAINE
LONGWOOD HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE OF 2006
TOP TEN PERCENT OF HER CLASS

LOVE AND BEST WISHES FROM YOUR FAMILY, JIMBOPARTY AND THE CATOOS