Nyquil, Anyone?

Well, it finally got me. I held out as long as I could, but in the end, it got me.

Since December, my home and workplace has resembled General Hospital. First, Stephanie and Heather were felled by an awful stomach flu, then Adrienne got it the same night Heather was rushed to the hospital with acute appendicitis. Then Adrienne got this sinus infection that won't quit.

At work it was no better, a breeding ground for germs and bacteria. The flu, stomach virus, gripped, cold, kidney stones, you name it. Everyone around me was hacking, coughing, braying, barely breathing, but still coming to work to spread their infections. While everyone was crumbling around me, I managed to stay strong.

Then Tim (Heather's live-in boyfriend), got a nasty, monster cold, which he soon passed on to Heather. Heather gave it to my mother, who then, generously, shared the wealth with me, and for the past three days I've been a walking zombie.

I tried to doll myself up for the Oscars, I really did, as I didn't want to disappoint my legion of fans, but I just couldn't put on enough make-up to mask my ghastly pallor. So I sent Hilary Swank in my stead.

While I coughed, sneezed and wheezed, I managed to stay up until the bitter end. While Chris Rock got in a few zingers, I thought the show was dull and plodding. Beyonce was beyond awful. She mangled the French song so badly that the French are now demanding the return of the Statue of Liberty. I was overjoyed that the Spanish song won, even though Antonio looked like a wet oil rag. And just what in the hell has Melanie Griffith done to herself?

I wanted Glamour, and all I got was Scarlet, a cadaver in black. Where were all the old time stars? Elizabeth Taylor, Lauren Bacall, Paul Newman, Jack Nicholson? Maybe they were home in bed, reaching for the Kleenex.

Thank God Charlize changed her hairdo/color. She must have gotten a look at herself from the Golden Globes.

Does Star Jones have it written into her contract that she can only be shown from one profile? I swear, every time she greeted a "star", she made sure never to change her position. Who does she think she is, Barrymore? And boy, was I impressed by how she got in a plug for her Payless sandals.

In other developments, I guess no news is good news. I'm plugging away on my new spec MADAM MOM, and still biting my fingernails over THERE GOES THE MOTHERHOOD.

Say, Hilary, now that we're such great pals, boy, do I have a role for you...