PROJECT WRONGWAY

That's it. I've had it. I invested three years into this show. No more, not after last night's nonsensical finale.

I was under the impression that the purpose of this show was to find the "next great fashion designer"...not an already is who has celebrity clients like Gwen Stefani and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Look, Jeffrey may be a great guy, a nice father, a former drug user, and he's good (I can't forget the milkmaid outfit) at what he does: punk star/rock and roll chic. But this is not new. It's not even fashion forward. It's fashion rewind---to the 1980's.

Note to Michael Kors: having a tat on your neck does not make you the next Martha Stewart.

There wasn't one outfit in Jeffrey's collection that I could wear. There wasn't one outfit in his collection that I would want to wear. And that long dress was hideous.

I'm also sick and tired of being manipulated by BRAVO with their judicious editit. Based on the judges comments, I thought for sure Laura and Ulie would be the final two.

Does Nina think she's oh so smart with her snarky remarks?

Granted, the show is a hit, but when it comes to launching a fashion career and/or a brand name, the show is a dud. Jay had health problems. Chloe seems to be quite content to remain in Texas. And now we have Jeffrey...I hear crickets chirping. Can anyone see him as the head of a fashion house?

I don't think so.

I hope Laura and Ulie go on to faboo careers and blow Jeffrey out of the water.

Heidi, you're out!!!!

Screenwriting Rules

Sorry that I've been so remiss in blogging. I've had my hands full since August: sending daughter off to college, life, various catastrophes, and juggling several projects. I feel like I'm coming up for air (or I'm a Phoenix rising from the ashes). Take your pick.

I'm still doing the monthly column at www.moviebytes.com, and I just sent them my newest one, "Witless". My husband says its the best one I've done yet, but what does he know.

On another note, I'd like to digress and ruminate a bit on the "screenwriting rules". You know, all the things you're not supposed to do---but I've seen done on sold, produced scripts.

For example, you're not supposed to write "unfilmmable bits". Well, in MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING, Ron Bass gets away with those cutting and witty asides that can't be filmed. (Yeah, but he's Ron Bass).

I've been told that you shouldn't have action paragraphs more than three lines. However, on the draft I read of WHAT LIES BENEATH, the action paragraphs are much longer.

So what does this all mean, in the end?

Nothing.

Rules are meant to be broken. And who thought up these crazy rules in the first place?

Do whatever you have to do to tell your story your way.

Now I'm not talking about weird formatting and the like, because there is a standard format (and with good reason). Typos and grammatical errors will just peg you for an amateur who doesn't know how to edit.

If you have a great idea with great writing, no one will notice or care if you broke or rewrote the rules.

Ask Ron Bass.

Support a Fellow Artist

My good buddy Liz, a director/writer, has a website up devoted to her new movie

www.furythemovie.com

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN LYNCHED (great tagline).

To help her out in costs, Liz is asking for donations (starting at $15) in exchange for a screen credit. I dedicated mine to my beloved brother Mike.

So...not only are you helping out a fellow artist, but it makes you feel all warm and squishy inside. And the movie looks pretty good, too!

www.furythemovie.com

Post Joe-Momentum Thoughts

Yeah, yeah, Keith was booted off PROJECT RUNWAY last week for having illegal "pattern books". Doesn't matter that he never used them, and I'm frankly surprised at the number of people at the Runway board who think such shenanigans are okay. However, I still haven't picked a favorite yet, since Malan (sniff, sniff) was thrown overboard.

Let me digress a bit and get on my political soapbox. I've been following the Lamont-Lieberman primary battle through DailyKos, Talking Points Memo and other blogs. Now, on the morning after, we're getting the crazy MSM spin that Lamont's unexpected win bodes ill for Democrats in the fall.

HUH? I mean, what weed are they chewing?

Let's get this straight.

For many reasons too numerous to list, Lieberman (at least since 2004) has been a faux Democrat. And now Democrats are being taken to task for voting him out?

Democrats are supposed to OPPOSE the Republicans, not suck up to them and support them in ill advised ventures.

Democrats in the Nutmeg State perceived that Lieberman was a Republican in sheep's clothing. He was booted out. Democracy at its finest, blah blah blah.

But wait...instead of bowing out gracefully and supporting Lamont in the name of party unity, Lieberman is blathering about running as an "independent Democrat". And Republicans are cheering him on (no big shock there).

It's the Repubs who have sucked up to Bush that should be quaking in their boots, not the other way around. If Bush was the "kiss of death" to Lieberman, what does that foretell for his Republican counterparts? They should, thank you David Crosby, be "scared shitless".

Don't let the MSM spin fool you.

And at the end of the day, I don't think Lieberman will run as an independent Democrat. He might switch parties and run as a Republican...

Where's Heidi Klum when you need her?

Musings on a Saturday Afternoon After a Heat Storm

All this week we've had record breaking temps, not that today is that much cooler. Still in the low 90's, but tomorrow is supposed to be better, in the 80's and less humid.

I want to congratulate my pal Scott the Reader for advancing in Nicholls. Good going, Scott!

A big shout out as well to Mary B, who while not advancing, got the coveted
"10%" comment from Greg Beal. Let me tell you, the one and only year I entered Nicholls, as it turned out, I was very happy to get that Beal comment. It kept my hopes and dreams alive a long time.

A huge hooray to Lynne and Robin, for making it through the summer with their brains intact (relatively speaking) after reading for Nicholls and Final Draft Big Break. I can understand them being burnt out after reading 400 plus scripts.

Which leads me to a discussion we had last night at our weekly screenwriting chat. (If you'd like an invite, e-mail orbie@aol.com).

To make a long story short, I related about how I had tried to help another screenwriter with a logline she posted at one of the writing sites. I thought it was a great concept. Still do.

The problem was, as I saw it, was that her concept promised something that her story (or how she chose to write it) failed to deliver.

Let me give you an example. I once pitched BORN AGAIN, a comedy about two haplass angels who screw up taking a woman's soul to Heaven, to a writer/producer. Now in his mind, my logline conjured up images of a zany comedy about the woman's soul bouncing from one body to another.

Now that's not bad, really.

But it wasn't my script. Far from it. Pffft.

My point is...when you pitch a script, you might envision it is a comedy, but to someone else, it might be a drama. Make sure the logline and the story/genre fits.

If it's a comedy, then make it a belly buster.

If it's a drama, have them reaching for a box of tissues.

THE BIG IDEA

I hope you'll check out my monthly column at MovieBytes. I'm having a lot of fun with it.

Otherwise, writing wise, it's been a good month. I came up with my own big idea and basically have been mulling it over until I actually sit down and begin writing it. I see the characters, hear their voices, and scenes are unfolding in my head. I asked some pro reader pals if they've ever read a script with a similar concept, and so far the answer has been no. Now that doesn't mean that someone, somewhere isn't writing it...but I can't worry about that.

It's also the summer of Reality TV. Love HELL'S KITCHEN, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE and PROJECT RUNWAY. ROCK STAR SUPERNOVA leaves me cold.

Updates

Sorry I've been so remiss in positing, but I've been super busy with the family, rewrites, the usual nonsense.

I understand A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS is going to have an "official" premiere at a film festival here on Long Island, the point of which I am not too sure...I have been told that it's to get "audience feedback" but have also been advised that from the feedback they've already received, it looks like it's going straight to TV or cable (I could have told them that months ago). Unlike MY HORRIBLE YEAR, I have no emotional or sentimental attachment to this one, as I greatly suspect the finished product will bear little resemblance to my original draft. C'est la vie.

Right now, instead of diving into a new project, I'm going back and taking a second whack at other scripts which are finished (but need more work) and/or ones that I left at various stages. Capricorns are not supposed to start new projects until after July 28, so I am trying very very hard to heed, though it is difficult, as I dream up new ideas all the time.

But it's great to go back to a script that I worked on months before and realize that hey, it wasn't a pile of crapola after all!!


UPDATE: The premiere came and went. I was told the movie was choppy and rushed, and they are now planning to sell to cable. No big surprise there.

CLASS OF 2006

CONGRATUALTIONS STEPHANIE CHARLOTTE MCILVAINE
LONGWOOD HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE OF 2006
TOP TEN PERCENT OF HER CLASS

LOVE AND BEST WISHES FROM YOUR FAMILY, JIMBOPARTY AND THE CATOOS

I Never Knew My Marriage Was Under Attack

Boy, I must be living under a rock. My hubby and I had no idea that our marriage was under attack. As I write this, a band of right wing nutjobs brandishing axes and broomsticks are outside our front door, demanding to be let into our bedroom.

What did we do wrong? So far as I can tell, our only crime was in believing that people have the right to live the way they want, free of big government (aka Federal Marriage Amendment) barging into their bed.

I mean, I can't remember the last time a gay couple thrashed me and Bill for being "straight". As for our kids, we wouldn't care if they were straight, gay or polka dot as long as they were happy.

Actually, I think Bush has done the gay marriage movement a great service. Getting his "seal of approval" on the amendment means you can put a fork in it.

Nine severed heads were found in Iraq today, and all Bush can do is yelp about gay marriage. No wonder Mary Cheney didn't join him in the Rose Garden. A skunk by any other name still smells the same.

Sorry for being so remiss in updating my blog. Stuff happens. Shit happens. Life goes on.

I've had a full plate lately, what with rewrites, new specs, and all the other usual nonsense that goes on, on a daily basis. My youngest daughter is graduating in June so we've been engaged in a systematic revamping of the house, yard and garden. What this basically means is that when it's crummy outside, I stay in and write. When it's beautiful out, I'm seeding, planting, cleaning the pool, etc. We just got the new BBQ together today and barely finished vacuuming the pool before the rain pelted us.

Other than the mundane, I'm just doing my thing. Started a spec called SENIOR PRANK which Stephanie is going to help me with. Actually, she gave me the inspiration in the first place.

Had a great confab with my co-writer on our SNOWBLIND spec. The script is about 90% there. We both agreed that we're at the point where we want to have done with it and get it out. She's a contest and prodco reader, so I feel very confident in her opinion that our work is solid (in comparison to what she reads).

I may have some potentially good (and lucrative) news to report soon regarding one of my "pet projects"....I've been in this place before, so I haven't popped the champagne quite yet. :)

Don't Cha

Don't cha hate it when you're knee deep in rewriting a script and BOOM, another great idea out of the blue hits you. Either you put that idea aside (jotting down notes so you don't forget it) to work on later or you put the rewrite aside and plunge into treacherous waters. God, I hate when that happens! Of course, this is the situation I find myself in, and not for the first time either.

Looks like they're playing musical chairs with the trailer at
www.amerrylittlechristmasthemovie.com

All I know that in the original script, I wrote several "trailer" moments and so far, none of them have been any of the trailers. I wonder if they were even filmed. Sigh.

Am very upset with BRAVO right now. No way should Steven have been canned on TOP CHEF. IMO, the one who should have gotten the boot was Harold for his flavorless salmon and for suggesting using box cake mix. What is this, TOP DUNCAN HINES? Lianne showed what a poor leader she was for going along with it and for allowing substandard food to leave the kitchen. You know damn well what Gordon Ramsay of HELL'S KITCHEN would have done. He would have tossed the food out and closed the kitchen down. The only one who didn't go along with the box cake nonsense was, you guessed it, Steven. Oh, never mind. Mark my words, Steven will go on to an illustrious career while Tiffani slings slop at IHOP. What does BRAVO know?

And why is BLOW OUT so short this season? Already they're touting the season finale! Seems like the show only filmed a handful of episodes. Good thing I have AMERICAN INVENTOR and DEAL OR NO DEAL to fall back on.

Happy Feaster

Because that's all I've been doing, cooking, baking and feasting. Had a full house for the holiday. We basically had three Easter dinners over the course of the weekend: turkey, ham and leg of lamb. Tomorrow, leftovers!

There's a trailer for the CHRISTMAS movie on www.amerrylittlechristmasthemovie.com
Watch it and tell me what you think. I got an earful from my kids.

After an impasse, it looks like my co-writer and I on the AMAZON script are back on track. It took some requests from producers to give us the kick in the pants we needed to solve the dilemma.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting on another co-writer on our SNOWBLIND script, but not to worry, while I wait I've been working on still another stumble through the jungle adventure. And I started a couple of other scripts too. What can I say, I'm a multi-tasker. I don't clean but I can sure whip up a batch of magic brownies.

PJMcIlvaine

I fell for a great April Fool's Day joke. I read at one of the boards that Uwe Boll was going to helm a remake of ROSEMARY'S BABY. I was disgusted, and so was my husband when I told him about it. Turns out it was a hoax.

I got some great notes on my ROMANCING THE WISHBONE spec and have been working on that this weekend. Ideally, I'd love to hear some news regarding my ORACLE spec. It's a feel good rom-com in the vein of MOONSTRUCK and MBFGW. I can only pray that lightning can strike twice.

In the meantime....deal or no deal!

Eureka!

Two of the best words in the English language: THE END. Yes, I finally typed those two words on Saturday afternoon, and I was very happy. Now the hard work comes. I shipped the draft off to my co-writer and am anxiously awaiting to hear from her. In the meantime, I took Sunday off and dove back into writing on Monday. No rest for the weary.

Good thing: The new season of BLOW OUT starts tonight.

Bad thing: No HOUSE due to the reality show I shall not name.

Good thing: I saw A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE over the weekend. I loved it. Viggo has a damn fine ass.

Bad thing: I was disappointed with WALK THE LINE. I thought it was good, not great. The second half falls into a redundant mess.

Good thing: I am now hooked on PRISON BREAK.

Bad thing: 24 is not on every night. How could they leave us hanging like this, with LA under martial law and trying kill David Palmer's brother? For shame!

Good thing: HELL'S KITCHEN is coming back!

Bad thing: The winner of this year's PROJECT RUNWAY. Blecch!

New Christmas News

It's on the IMDB under the title A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS (which I hate, bah humbug).

Post Oscar thoughts:

Clooney should be nominated for every Oscar there is. He is the eptiome of class, charm, old time glamour and intelligence. And he ain't hard on the eyes, either.

What on earth was Dior thinking of what that bow on Charlize's shoulder? I was afraid the thing was going to come alive and chomp on Charlize.

Naomi Watts looked like a bag lady who stumbled in out of the cold.

Morgan Freeman was ubercool with the neckerchief.

What bug crawled up the dress of Diane Ossana, Larry McMurtry's screenwriting partner? What a puss! Hey, you just won an Oscar, be happy!

Will somebody please scuttle the award for Best Song? Yeesh.

The show lacked in star power and glamour. There wasn't one "ooooh" moment in the three hour shebang. You know it must be going bad when the biggest laugh in the house was for a Dick Cheney joke.

Random Thoughts On A Sunny Afternoon

Beautiful day, snow on the way. Arggh!

So the Olympic spectacle is over...I wasn't surprised that Bode Miller was a total wipeout. I think he realized early on that he couldn't live up to the hype, so he decided to take himself out of the game. You'd expect this kind of immature behaviour from a 19 or 20 year old, but at 28, Bode should know better. Well, he has his groupies and his magazine covers to console him.

As for Sasha Cohen, as lovely and graceful as she is, I must disagree with the judges. Someone who falls twice during their long program doesn't deserve a medal.

Now onto other topics, like Dubai Bush. This adminstration (and I use the term loosely), has been on a downward spiral for months. At 34% in the polls and falling, he'll soon be in in Nixon territory. No wonder Republicans are starting to revolt. It's about fucking time!

As for Iraq, I'm of the mind that Rumself should send Cheney over with his quail gun. Talk about The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight! But Iraq isn't in a civil war, oh no. Pay no attention to those corpses in the morgue.

I saw a great movie last night, HOTEL RWANDA. Don Cheadle was magnificent. Intelligent, gripping.

I'm still with my thriller script, but I've moved a major plot point that had me stymied for a day or two. At the end of the day, we may have to jettison some plot machinations...I almost feel like we've packed too much in. I want this to come in at around 110 pages, and I'm on 85, which doesn't leave me much room for all to come. Better to have too much than not.

And yes, I'll have my party pajamas on for the Oscar telecast. I hope David Straithairn wins, but who knows?

Rewrite City

Sorry I've been remiss of late posting, but I'm deep in rewrite city. Don't you just love it when you're following a plot line and it suddenly veers in another direction, like Bode Miller at the Olympics (but hopefully with a better outcome). All I can do is hunker down and see where it leads.

Speaking of the Olympics...I hate to admit it, but I'm a viewer who secretly tunes in to see the wipe outs, the falls, the DQ's, the favorites crash and burn, the underdogs winning the day. This doesn't make me a bad person (I don't think). But I am sick of the hype and the chattering of NBC nabobs who, in the absence of Michelle Kwan, trot out a Team USA hero (or goat) of the day.

Bode Miller is the Gold Medal favorite! Ooops, Bode crashes after a night of partying.

Lindsay Jacobellis was all but annointed the Queen of Snowboard Cross, and then tossed the gold medal like a Joe Namath touchdown pass to Freidan after that silly showboating trick.

Johnny Weir was a shoo-in for the silver if he skated a good long program, but he left his aura back in his hotel room.

Where's Tonya Harding when we need her? We need a good scandal to liven things up.

Otherwise, the Olympics drones on...ad nauseum...with pre-taped events. I'm still trying to figure out the waltzing cows from the opening ceremony. Maybe they could get Dick Cheney to make an appearance for the closing ceremonies, dressed in lederhosen shooting at doves.

DEAD ON A SUNDAY

I have no idea where this is going or even if it should go anywhere. The entire sequence came to me early this morning, so I'm just writing it down and see where it leads. The tentative title is DEAD ON A SUNDAY: A SHARPE SISTERS MYSTERY. It's about twin sisters Bobbie and Tina, suburban semi-goddesses, who find themselves in a whoop ass can full of trouble when Tina's about to be ex is murdered and Bobbie becomes the primary suspect.

http://sharpesistersmystery.blogspot.com/

Check it out if you can and let me know what you think.

And no, I'm not giving up screenwriting. This is side job. :)

Bad Gurl

Sorry I have been remiss of late, have been extremely busy.

It looks like the CHRISTMAS shoot will wind up on Wednesday, and by all accounts, it went very smoothly. Now the fun begins in post-prod!

I thought the Super Bowl sucked. It only got interesting in the fourth quarter.

When is Santino gonna get the boot on PROJECT RUNWAY? He's a talentless hack.

Am focusing on my SNOWBLIND script for the forseeable future and hope to eke out a "vomit draft" before too long.

With the big splash BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 2 made at the box office, I sent out a fresh batch of queries on my THERE GOES THE MOTHERHOOD. Got a few nibbles.

My monthly column at DONE DEAL has been put on hiatus until they decide if they want to carry it over to their new site, DONE DEAL PRO.

Am having fun with the Kitchen Aid Mixer I got as a B-Day present from the kids (as if I don't bake enough). I'm on a "yeast" kick and have pretty much perfected the "Cinnabon" clone recipe. Now I gotta work on the brownies. I have yet to come up with a scratch recipe that is equal to Duncan Hines milk chocolate chunk in the box.

Thank You, Oprah

I am gratified that in response to my earlier post, the Grand Goddess of Syndication, Oprah, followed my lead and gave James Frey a good old fashioned ass-whoopin'. It was the modern day equivalent of the stocks, and by the end, poor Frey loked as if he was ready for another root canal.

Only goes to show...politicians can lie, but don't you dare lie to Oprah!

Techno Impaired

I made some neat designs at Spreadshirt.com, but have no idea how I can post the link onto this website. Help!

Post Christmas News

I picked up the cashier's check today, so unless I'm hired for any more rewriting/polishes, I'm done with THE TOWN THAT BANNED CHRISTMAS. I wish the new producers/investors good luck. I wish I could say that the experience was a pleasant one. It started out on such a positive note, but hey, that's life. No sense getting an ulcer over it. Onto the next project and the next sale.

This week I finished the first draft of a new script, I began two new ones, and a manager I hooked up with shortly before the holidays is planning on submitting my ORACLE OF ORCHARD STREET (think MBFGW meets MOONSTRUCK) to her contacts very soon.

So, at least for today, this second, I'm happy. I bought myself new mascara (buy one, get one free!) and for dessert, I'll probably have my Cookies n' Cream splurge in celebration.

Ah, life is good.

No, I Won't Be Watching American Idol This Year

That's right.

I used to be a huge fan of AMERICAN IDOL. The first year, the right person won: Kelly Clarkson. The fact that she's now a superstar in spite of that dreadful FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY fiasco is testimony to her tremendous talent. Also, keep in mind, that Kelly's only had this success since she burned her bridges with the show.

The second year, Clay got robbed, like Al Gore. Reuben is a great talent, but based
on his last few performances on the show, he was clearly running out of gas. And the way Simon and the crew pimped Reuben unmercilessly, you knew he had to win.

The third year it was a foregone conclusion that Fantasia was going to win. No suspense whatsoever. But I still clung to the belief that this was a talent
show. Silly me.

Last year disabused me of that belief forever. The Paula scandal notwithstanding, the show had turned into a reality entertainment show. Talent was secondary
to the producers reality. I told my family that if Bo Bice lost and Paula remained as a host, I'd never watch the show again.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

My Memoirs

I once did blow with Peter Tork, I'm the illegitimate child of Marlon Brando, and I was once led police on a high speed chase through four states.

Well, er, not quite.

But who the fuck cares? I'm a reformed ice cream addict, this is the essential truth of my life as I saw it through the haze of Cookies n' Cream. So what if I embellished it? It's just a memoir, a memory of my life, subject to my interpretation of it.

I can stretch the truth too and be on Oprah. Hell, I don't need to make up anything. What I've been through since 2001 would be enough to fill two books. But for someone like, oh, an unknown author who initially tried to peddle his "memoir" as "fiction" but could only sell it as "non-fiction" once he ramped up some little nigging details, it's okay! Jason Blair be damned!

So what if the police record isn't true and a lot of other details that made Oprah and millions of other readers go ga-ga. And what the hell is she going to say now that cat is out of the bag? Well, the "essence" of the book is true!

Well, ya know, I could write a memoir about how in a drug induced haze, I burned and ate a kitten. Okay, I never ate a kitten. Okay, I was never in a drug induced haze.

BUT I COULD HAVE AND IF I HAD, THIS WOULD BE THE ESSENCE OF IT.

What's the matter with these so-called writers? Did they graduate from the McDonald School of Journalism?

Happy New Year

I've been a little under the weather, so please forgive me for my lack of posting.

Good news: I've lost weight. Hooray!

Bad news: I miss my potato chips.

Good news: My romantic comedy should be going to a very big studio shortly. Keep your fingers crossed.

Bad news: What's with all the fucking HOUSE reruns?

Good news: I'm almost done with the first draft of a new spec.

Bad news: Rewrite Hell.

Good news: Supermarket restocked my favorite cookies.

Bad news: No snow.

Good news: I got NATIONAL TREASURE. Yay!

Bad news: Mother hates the remake of WAR OF THE WORLDS, which I also got.

Let's hope for a healthy and prosperous 2006.